The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
