im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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