A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
