so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
