She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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