I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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