Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
