I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
