My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
