Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
