Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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