sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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