see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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