don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
We left the knife in your bed.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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