I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
