I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
