Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
