I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
