i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
