i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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