from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
