I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
