ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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