I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize