no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
