I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
