thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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