Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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