what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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