I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
