The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
