I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Is Oprah even human
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
