she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
