Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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