I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
