i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
