So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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