So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I need water and some morals
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
