guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize