When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
