Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Are these your boobs on my camera?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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