God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
