its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I need to calm my uterus...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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