At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
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