I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
