Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
