; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
