R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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