Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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