Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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