Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
