I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
