I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
