Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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