I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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