I'm going to jail i love you
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just high enough for therapy.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
