Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Randomize
