My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
