the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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