if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize