I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize