He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
