FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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